Thursday, November 01, 2007

Halloween - The Long, Hard Day

Preface... This is way long. It's just me venting so don't really feel like you need to read it. :)

So today was Halloween. It was busy!

I don't get it. I feel like I am the busiest I have ever been in my entire life. I am getting nothing complete and just running around in circles trying to juggle my babies, my home, my husband and my job. On days when I do manage to work for a couple of hours, my house falls apart. My kids are in various states of undress and I am lucky if I get out of my pajamas and take a shower. It's so embarrassing if someone happens to stop by. They must think I'm the worst mom ever. On days when I don't do any work other then check my email a few times, I am running around like a chicken with its head cut off. My house is still a disaster and filthy.

Today for example... We all got up and exercised for a while. I did one of my DVDs. Uly and Gar were very fascinated with it for some reason today. They kept trying to run around me. It's hard to do strange aerobic movements in my teensy living room while trying not to kick one of my kids and also trying to make sure they don't get oatmeal on the couch. Why do I bother? The couch can't stay clean for more then a week. It's disgusting. Thank goodness for washable micro-fiber. Tangent...

Back to today... After exercising, I fed Magnus for about 15 minutes then took a shower and got dressed. Then we decided to carve our pumpkin. I did a good job of carving a cute little ghost. Then I had to use up that banana squash in the fridge before it started to mold so I made a curried stew out of it. I loved it but of course my boys wouldn't eat it. At this time it's way past nap time and we have to get our costumes on and go to the store to get more candy. I have this sneaky suspicion that our neighborhood will be a madhouse. It was. We go to the store and get a few things and some candy. Uly and Gar are having all sorts of fits about this and about that. Uly throws a gigantic fit because I made us leave the store instead of letting him buy a sticker from those stupid machines they put by the door. Apparently he brought money just for that purpose. I didn't know that. We had a discussion about the kinds of things we spend our money on and about the value of products. I'm sure it didn't make a dent.

Then we get home, I heat up two corn dogs and as we're eating we're getting accosted by trick or treaters. Every 10 seconds the door bell is ringing. It's hard to get kids ready to go out when they're so excited by the kids at the door.

We go trick or treating, leaving a note on the door telling our neighbors that we're not home and will be back later. Did I mention that Ben's out of town all week? Boston Monday through Wednesday and Wednesday to Friday in Vegas...

We go trick or treating. There are various melt downs through out our journey around the neighborhood.

I didn't even mention the poop incident... Or the fact that I can't take any photographs of my kids. Ben took my camera with him. He left his cool camera that is more advanced then I can handle. It's all set up to take shots in the day time. I tried to take some shots of the cute pumpkin and of the kids but they just turned out way dark. I don't know how to change that. He didn't answer either of his phones to answer my question about it.

The highlight of the evening was after I put Gar to bed and Uly was handing out the candy to the kids. He did such a good job. He's so friendly and wants to be everyone's friend. He's such a sweetie. He's very generous too. He doesn't get a lot of opportunities to hang out with kids and it breaks my heart to see him out there having so much fun with kids. It makes me sad because of how much he enjoys it and how little exposure to kids he actually gets. I need to find more time in my day so that he can have more chances to be with more kids.

It just depresses me. It's 1:13am. It's not Halloween anymore. I hate going to bed. I think I'm getting a sore throat. Great. My most hated ailment.

This is WAY long. I guess I'm bummed out and needed to type it all down. oh well. No one has to read it. If you do, maybe you'll tell me some advice. Some way to not be a total disaster mom and some way to keep on top of it all. I don't know what it is...

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow night. I got a babysitter for Uly and Gar. I'm going over to a girlfriend's house to work on some sewing/art/craft project. I'm not sure what I'm going to work on. I really need to make some slacks and a shirt to wear in Denver next month.

I wish I wasn't so damn fat!!! I hate this. Don't give me any crap about embracing my curviness. That's just stupid. I'm fat. I'm sick of it. I'm depressed. I eat crap when I'm depressed. It's this really frustrating vicious cycle. I want a magic cure. I want to be like I used to be. I guess I just have to want it bad enough so I'll make it happen.


That's me. My book. The first day of November 2007. That means it is only 36 days until I turn 32. That just makes me want to cry. I hate birthdays. I hate them so much. Plus I look in the mirror and not only am I fat, but I'm getting wrinkles. I don't like how the skin around my eyes are starting to look.

I have to just shut up now. I'm typing and typing and typing. I like to think that if Ben was home I'd just talk to him about all this but I wouldn't. He's too busy. I'm too busy. Life goes on. Things that are so important this minute aren't really.

Oh one more thing... I decided to start teaching Uly how to play the violin. I found a vendor on eBay that will sell his size violin for $45 including shipping. I think that's a great deal. I am going to get him one, one of these days. I hope I will have the patience for that.

Yeah, that's another thing. What happened to all my patience? Or however you spell that stupid word. I used to be way more patient with my kids. Lately I'm having a hard time with that. One more thing to be down on myself about... great.

Motherhood is awesome. It's the best thing ever. I am so glad and thankful for my babies. But some days it is all I can do to pretend I'm still sane.


*Melinda* said...

Well I cried. I know how great you are. You are awesome. I'm childless and feel like that a lot. So the fact that you do all that you do with 3 kids tugging at you. Now I will bow down to you:) I am fat too and your right you have to want the change bad enough. And Uly is a way cool kid and he will have tons of friends in the right time. I know it is so hard to see the other side of the coin. You look SO beautiful in the picture on Kristina's page! I love you tons and miss you lots!

Jessica Stier said...

Well that made me cry. :) Thanks, Melinda. You're awesome and I love you too.

kristina said...

jessica, you are awsome, i love reading your blogs! i just came out from putting bella down and told ben that i was so depressed because i am such a bad mom and parent! then i decided to check out some blogs and you made me laugh and cry and i realized we are both in the same boat! i feel the same way about bella and about life and i too am feeling so fat lately,and my boobs are back to being flaps of skin, and im poor and i want to make stuff but i can't, and i could go on and on ... but i love that you write down what you are feeling, cause i need and love to read it! i think you are an amazing person and mother! and you have WAY more patience than i ever will! lets hang out while ben is gone and let the kiddos play! call me!

kristina said...

p.s. i dont know why my e-mail was connected to the end of that last comment.

Trena said...

Jesse, I would love to buy Uly a voilin for Christmas. Please let me do it - from his musical Aunt. You have more patience than I'll ever have and your boys are so beautiful and unique. If you move back to CA I'll babysit for you! :) That's a great deal, don't ya think? Love you!

qndrgnsdd said...

I tried to comment the other day . got frustrated and sent you an e-mail so I;m trying this again....Dad

qndrgnsdd said...

We are sure having a hard time leaving comment on yer blog...Dad

qndrgnsdd said...

Now aint that weird, after telling me 16 times that I had the wrong pass word I see it is working!?? Go Figure!!

The Andersens Four said...

Jesse- I think thats how all moms feel.. Thyssen hasn't had a bath in like 4 days! We have a dead rat somewhere in our attick stinking up our house and I have to take chili, brownies, and two kids to our ward party tonight- alone! Isn't it nice to know that you aren't alone in this?

Valentina Stier said...

Jess, dear, dear- what a day! You have 3 children and the oldest one is 3! You're entitled to days like that! Ha! When I was in your position, I picked 2 days a week for the house and the other days for the kids. If you came by on a kid day, too bad for you, the house was going to be messy, but the kids were going to be happy! Have you read Sis. Beck's talk from General Conferenece? You're doing the right thing... I'm proud of you... Love, Val

kristina said...

o.k. Uncle Owen,... I just read your profile and you are hillarious!, will you please post some blogs so I can be amused?

Thorey said...

Oh Jessie! We're all insane like that now and then. You have three active very small boys; if you had everything under control, there probably would be something wrong with you!

If I were you, on those times when Ben went out of town I'd hire a girl to come over and help out for a few hours a day. Make her clean or occupy Uly and Gar, or whatever you need. Better yet, hire a maid and let her clean the house once a week. You deserve it!

I'm also depressed about turning 32. I know it's ridiculous b/c 32 is young, but I'm glad I'm not the only one. Although you may not feel like it sometimes, you are actually very lucky to be turning 32 and already have three kids.

And, please, if you have a baby that is still so small that he only recently experienced his first laugh, then you have to give yourself a break for any extra weight you feel like you have. That's just an unwritten rule.

Love you!!!